Things to do when u are going out (also courtesy of Ade's recommation of www.disappointment.com) MURDER SPREE Spree - it's such a nice word - I'm off on a spree, mother! Don't wait up! Excellent, your mother replies; she doesn't know that you've got murder on your mind. However, I cannot emphasise enough that murder is wrong. So you really should try to murder people in as morally justifiable a way as possible. Try these excuses! "I didn't think it'd kill him..." I only meant to teach him a lesson... looking at me like that... with those unforgiving eyes... I only meant to teach him a lesson... "I was just polishing my gun!" An actual excuse used in an actual case! And it WORKED! "There was a bee in my hat." If you can prove that your murders weren't voluntary acts, but were the result of a bee in your hat, then the judges will have to let you off - and give you fifty pounds or a kiss for bothering you. "I was mad on drugs." Sadly, the law has yet to recognise a defence of being off your noggin on street drugs. Still, you could always test it by taking more drugs than anyone else ever has, then murder someone. The law will never evolve unless people test it. "He didn't believe in God" People who don't believe in God are 25% more likely to indulge in recreational burglary and drug dealing. 25% is statistically significant. Kill them. Even if you are imprisoned, then you can always maintain a stubborn and unwavering belief in your own innocence. No legal system is perfect - you are just a martyr to the stability of the state. And they're watching you.
PIGGYBACK PROGRESS The best thing about Piggyback Progress is that you don't need any apparatus. You just go out there and playaway! The Rules 1) You Cannot Walk When playing Piggyback Progress, you cannot move on your own. The only acceptable form of travel is on the back of another. 2) No Friends It is widely considered cheating if you arrange a series of friends to carry you around. They should be kindly strangers. 3) Acceptable Forms of Persuasion Generally, pity is to be used. Such as; "Excuse me, sir or madam. I am just trying to get to the next shop up the road, but I don't really fancy the walk - could you carry me?" However, threats may be used also; "You, fella. Come hither and carry me about, else I'll batter your brains out ya fucking earholes." 4) Difficulty Modifiers Make your game easier by getting a wheelchair, smashing the wheel up and looking abused and panicky. Make your game more difficult in one of these ways. Singing a line of Kate Bush's "Baboushka" Being covered in blood and soot Sneezing a lot 5) Getting Off Once you are where you want to be, start kicking and punching your "host", and shouting "OFF! OFF! OFF!"
WITH MY MYSTICAL PUBUS 1) The Individual Mystical Pubus You will need : A sheet of A4 paper, a Pritt Stick, your own pubic hairs. a) Preparation Draw a cock (or something else if you must - if you think cocks are "childish" - you can draw the fucking Cistene Chapel if you want) with the Pritt Stick, on the sheet of A4. Cut off a load of your pubes, and keep them in your hand. b) Execution Press the sheet of A4 against the coat of your victim. There should be a sticky Pritt Stick cock left behind. Apply your pubes to the person's coat, for an hilarious hair cock. c) Aftermath It's probably best if you don't admit to it when the person finds out. It's pretty hard to explain what you've done in terms flattering to yourself. 2) Wide Supermystical Tri-Pubus You will need : Your own pubic hair. And that's it! How It Works Simply choose three attractive people, and put some of your pubes in their hair. They should be attractive, because putting pubes in their hair may have a symbolic voodoo effect, and cause them to fall in love with you. Wait! When the three people form an equilateral triangle, sparks of energy will fly from one to the next. If you are standing in the middle of the triangle, with your arms to the heavens, then robot bits will clamp onto your arms and super-power you up. This may not work if the weather isn't right.
