i got sick of waiting for big clubber... Big Brother! Day 1 - little dave admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of marissa. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, hayley is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although bigdave later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality. 2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. joe creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. helz hits him with a fish slice. 3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of foundation out of pea soup. After much persuasion by joe, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task. 4 - Training for the foundation task is well under way. However havoc ensues when bigdave, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the pea soup. helz is furious. 5 - Today is the day when the foundation task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when bigdave farts and blows foundation over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. marissa cries. 6 - joe gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day. 7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, marissa admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a fish slice. little dave says he never wears condoms because they make his weener sore and joe agrees. hayley goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. bigdave sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up joe. 8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. little dave goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. helz and marissa are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for little dave. 9 - helz and marissa are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. hayley sings them a song - agadoo - to make them feel better. 10 - The public vote marissa out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. marissa leaves. 11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with marissa's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. hayley has to make do without the cucumber she requested. helz is visibly depressed and is comforted by joe, who tries to touch her on her booby. 12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of joe touching helz's booby over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it. 13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that bigdave refuses to run because his weener hurts a bit. 14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. bigdave finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. helz calls bigdave a lazy weener. 15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. little dave tells everyone individually that he thinks helz is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. helz and joe are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for little dave. 16 - The nominations are announced. helz can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. joe is equally stunned and turns to helz for comfort. bigdave is distraught and confesses to hayley that he thinks he is in love with joe. hayley says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know 17 - The public vote joe out of the house. helz says she is gutted and even gives joe a clipping of hair from her booby to prove how much she cares. bigdave is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. joe leaves. 18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of helz clipping the hair from her booby. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar. 19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of mozambique in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it. 20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of mozambique sounds like but bigdave says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose little dave as the one who must complete the task. 21 - little dave successfully burps not only the National Anthem of mozambique but also God Save The Queen, agadoo and the theme tune to crossroads. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him. 22 - Nominations are due and little dave tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. bigdave and hayley are nominated. 23 - bigdave and hayley take their nominations well and sit down with little dave and helz to discuss why they voted for them. little dave keeps quiet but helz accuses bigdave of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred weener before bursting into tears. 24 - The public vote hayley out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. hayley leaves. 25 - little dave becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of little dave's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker. 26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of hippo dung using only a fish slice. little dave is unsure but bigdave is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget. 27 - Completely out of the blue, bigdave breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the hippo incident from his childhood. helz tries to persuade him to stay but little dave sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. bigdave decides to leave. 28 - With only two housemates remaining, the hippo dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by helz from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden. 29 - Nominations are due for the final time. little dave asks helz to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly little dave nominates helz to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does helz. 30 - When the nomination is announced, helz graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that little dave is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. little dave takes his £70,000 and runs away to mozambique. Nobody, including helz, ever sees him again.
no me neither....tsk tsk helz....this could almost be slander!! other than that though its well funny
oh my god. that is little dave and big dave down to a tee. big dave was always the lazy one who could never get out of bed on a morning. and i allways suspected marissa had a secret thing for kitchen utencils :evil: :angel: :chill: :groovy:
fook off mr!!! since when did i become a sly little shit who wanks openly to millions?!?!?!?!?!?! and it was me that could never get outta bed on a morning...dave would be up wif the crack of dawn happily shoutin at me to wake up...which was usually followed in an attack of sleepy rage from me mutterin the words..."fuck off!!!!!"....hehehe
day 46...the housemates are at joes house. Helen suggested 5 bottles of wine and they are all pissed at this time in the morning. Blonde housemate hayley has been enjoying some peach poo flavoured protein drinks, the other housemates are not impressed and wonder if the protein drink is an inuendo. day 47 Little dave goes to the diary room to tell big brother he wants a clock that goes tick tock and not tick tick tick day 48 A new housemate enters the house...cyberted. Cyberted is soon to cause problems with the housemates by demanding a double bed and quilt and then moaning that he woke up cus the sheep were moo-ing, Helz makes pancakes for the house.
haha!!! thats sooo funny!!!! so true 2 life part from me of course!!!! :evil: sir gurnalot - whatever or whoever gave u that impression!? :spangled:
day 49 - the house mates are still at joes. Joe has cooked a chicken in white wine sauce for helz....helz is impressed. the housemates earlier were set a task. The challenge was to breath deeply then jump over a large river. Helz and marissa opted out of thios taskand cost the house none of the food budget. Task 2 - climb across a barbed wire fence over the same river...helz completed this task and the only housemate to fail was marissa. Helz did the task in pyjama shorts and thus is covered in nettle stings. The other housemates are unsymphathetic The housemate have been drinking since 10am.
day 359976,355567,00000 -4pm the housemates are still waiting for andre to appear with the reward for the challenge. Suiceide and homicide have both been discussed.
day 359976,355567,00000 16.38 pm andre has finally arrived, the housemates are ecstatic. Marissa is in the garden playing with joe's balls.
Yeah the housemates that have just LEFT are extatic Lol...talk about bad timing!!!! Hahaha. PS. Im a flaker...i admit it...i know....go on laugh...hahaha.....not my fault....ok..now i'll shut up! Enjoy the rest of the nite ppl
